Thesis Practice and Emotive Language

For the past two days in class, we have been focusing on revising and improving our essays that we wrote at the end of the 3rd quarter for our "Anthem" test. Here is the prompt we originally addressed.



To begin, we took a look at our thesis. Many of us had great thesis statements, but a few needed some work. So, to review, we practiced thesis writing with the handout below. (The notes written in are from working together as a class; they are not my personal opinions, but examples)



A thesis can be written many different ways, but it should include 3 big things:

1. Topic (what the prompt is asking you to write about)
2. Position (which side you are taking)
3. Reasons (these should not be specific scenarios, but rather general reasons or benefits/consequences of the position)

Your thesis should also avoid:

1. First and second person pronouns (I, me, my, you, your)
2. Personal opinion statements (I think, I believe, personally, in my opinion)
3. Any reference to the quote in the prompt

Students made minor changes to their original thesis statement and then rewrote them onto a notecard to be approved. I read them over Monday night and returned them with feedback on Tuesday. If you still have not turned yours in, be sure to do so as it will be worth 25% of the formative grade given at the end of the week!

Next, we took a look at how we could possibly improve our word choice to increase our emotional appeal. We discussed how an essay should not maintain the same scope of focus throughout the essay, but should have more of an hourglass shape.

The beginning of your essay should be a broad view of the topic and position, giving reasons that apply to many possible examples and scenarios.

In other words,

Instead of: Stealing is sometimes acceptable because a person could be hungry. 

Try: Stealing is sometimes acceptable because it could mean the difference between life and death for some. 

The second thesis could apply to MANY examples, not just those involving food or starvation. The writer wants to take a broad look at all the possible reasons it may be acceptable to steal.

However, when the writer begins their body paragraphs, they narrow their focus down to one or two SPECIFIC scenarios and examples and gives specific details. Then, the focus begins to widen again as the writer gives their analysis and commentary, explaining how the example relates back to and proves the thesis.

Then, we move into the conclusion and restated thesis, where the focus broadens out again.

So what does this have to do with emotive language?

Well, your introduction and conclusion are the best places to add this emotive language.

Of course, you can add emotive language to any point in your essay, but it has the most impact as an attention grabber and a clincher.

At the beginning of your essay, your reader is still trying to figure out where you stand on a topic and why. In the body paragraphs, you are trying to prove your point. But by the end of the essay, you should not have only convinced your reader that you are right, but you should transfer your passion to them as well! You don't just want them to agree, you want them to be your ally!

To examine how we can use emotive language, we watched three different motivational speeches from classic movies. While we viewed them, we filled out the handout below.



You can view the movie clips below:


Braveheart (Begin at 3:30 to 5:10)


Rocky (Begin at 1:45 to 3:55)


Pursuit of Happyness (sic) (Begin at 0:24)

On Wednesday, we will discuss how we can add emotive language into our on writing and begin our revising and editing activities that will take us through class on Thursday and help us rewrite our final essays.

Persuasive Essay Review: Annotating

Today, we began our review of persuasive essays by completing an annotation activity. We began first by reviewing what we would be annotating for and creating our color coding key.

So, we are looking for 8 different things in our sample essays (and eventually, our own essays).

1. Indented paragraphs, marked by an arrow
2. Thesis statement, which I will highlight in PINK
3. Topic sentences, which I have underlined in RED. Topic sentences should relate to the thesis. If they don't, they aren't topic sentences. 
4. Detailed examples, concrete details, and proper nouns, which I will underline in LIGHT BLUE. Proper nouns should be denoted with an exclamation mark. 
5. Commentary, or how your detailed examples relate back to your topic sentence or thesis,  which we will denote in the margins. You can't have commentary if you don't give detailed examples!
6. Restated thesis in the conclusion, which will be underlined. 
7. Illegible words, which we will circle and denote off in the margins. 
8. Transition words and phrases, which we will draw a box around. We will also note if they transition between similar ideas or transition to a new idea. 

Afterwards, we will use the scoring guide to determine what score point each essay deserves and why. 

We began with the first essay in THIS PACKET. It says Persuasive - 8 at the top. These are all sample essays over the prompt "Write an essay stating your position on whether it is better to live in a large city or a small town." 

First, we marked the indented paragraphs with arrows. This helps us see the structure of the essay, but also makes it easier to find things like the thesis and topic sentences. 

Next, we read through the introduction and found the thesis. We wanted the sentence that told us which side the author picked and why. 

We did find a sentence that told us the author thought that large cities were better and small towns were not so great, but it didn't really gives us a reason why, so we made a note of that off to the side. 

Now, we had to go through the body paragraphs and locate the sentence that told us WHY the author believed big cities were good and small towns were not so good. It took us a little while to get to it because the author begins by telling us BAD things about big cities, which doesn't really match their thesis. Finally, about three sentences towards the end of the first body paragraph, they state why they like big cities: because of what they provide. 

The second body paragraph also began by giving evidence that contradicts the author's thesis. It wasn't until the final sentence of this body paragraph that the author states a reason why they dislike small towns: it's "just not my choice."

Our next step was to go back into the body paragraphs and identify the detailed examples - those things that occur in real life or in our observations that prove our reasons are valid and logical. We identified two examples in the first body paragraph: things you need are close by and it could be considered safer in a big city. 

Notice that the author uses NO proper nouns! This means they really don't have specific examples or concrete details. Without these two things, it is unlikely that they scored higher than a 2.We made a note of the lack of proper nouns off to the side. 

When we looked more closely at the second body paragraph, we couldn't really find any examples. We found the author's opinion on the friendliness of small town citizens, but no examples or observations they could point to in their writing. Again, they used no proper nouns. 

For step 5, we determined that it was impossible for the author to give any commentary - to explain how their examples relate to their thesis - because their examples were too vague to comment upon. We noted the lack of commentary at the top of the essay. 

No commentary makes me a sad panda. 

Next, we turned to the conclusion to try and locate the restated thesis where the author restates that they think big cities are a good place to live. Out of the three sentences in the conclusion, we decided the first sentence most obviously reaffirmed the author's opinion that larger cities were a better place to live. 

Most of our classes agreed the majority of the essay was easy to read, but a few people made note of a couple words that may have been considered illegible such as "alot" and "automobiles" in the second body paragraph.

Finally, we located 3 transitions within the essay. They were annotated by drawing a box around them. We also observed that the third transition, "furthermore," was used incorrectly by the author. Rather than further explaining the same idea, the author actually transitions to a new idea. 

By the way, the bonus question this week is the purpose of transitions and at least two examples. To get credit, put your answer on your post-it note when I hand them out after the announcements on Friday. 

In order to determine the score point of the essay, we summarized our findings regarding the essays organization, examples/details, and use of language (transitions, spelling, punctuation, and grammar). 

In short, we agreed that this author had alot to work on, but ultimately had a coherent structure to their essay - intro, body paragraphs, conclusion. They also had a thesis, despite it not being very clear. They also gave a reason for their position, but did not clearly support it. Many students suggested that, based on these characteristics, the essay deserved a score point of 2. We highlighted a few key phrases in our scoring guide to justify this score. 

On Friday, we will continue to annotate essay examples with a partner before moving on to annotating independently. We will also complete the persuasive triangle handout students also received today.